


I Want To Love You

by heda_sky



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Clexa Endgame, F/F, Heavy Angst, Mentions of suicide attempt, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:38:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7499721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heda_sky/pseuds/heda_sky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa's been in love with Clarke for years. They share a room at Octavia and Bellamy's beach house to celebrate graduation and their relationship crosses the line from friendship to much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who suffers from BPD, I decided to write this story by incorporating how I experience many aspects of the disorder into Lexa's character and her relationship with Clarke. This may not be how everyone experiences the disorder. TW: There are mentions of a suicide attempt. This fic is a little heavy on the emotions but ends on a good note. Hope you enjoy. Xx

“I can’t believe we’re going to college.” Clarke said, sighing as she sat with Lexa in the sand, watching the sun set on their last day of high school.

“I thought it would never end.”

Lexa sat quietly, admiring the stillness of the ocean and the pink sky above them. She felt at peace for the first time in a long time, stress-free and present.

Clarke turned to look at her, examining her features, taking in the sight of her eyes reflecting the light glow of the sky. “What are you thinking about?” She asked, her arms wrapped around her own legs.

Lexa breathed out slowly, still staring out onto the water. “It’s over. This shitty year. We made it.” She said.

“Yeah, we did.” Clarke said, grabbing one of her hands. “I’m proud of you. For making it here. For staying.”

“I almost didn’t.” Lexa said, her hand limp in Clarke’s.

Clarke gave it a little squeeze and pulled Lexa’s chin to look at her. “You had a bad year. But look how far you’ve come. You’re right next to me. We’re both here, on this beautiful beach. You didn’t die Lex.”

“I wanted to.”

Clarke pulls her towards her and keeps their hands interlocked. “I know you did. I’m sorry you did.” They stayed silent for a while, Clarke rubbing her thumb against Lexa’s hand.

“Do you still want to?” Clarke asked, afraid to look Lexa in the eyes.

Lexa looked up at Clarke for the first time of her own will. She squeezed Clarke’s hand back and smiled a little.

“Not so much.” She said, her eyes brimming with tears.

Lexa had been struggling for years with depression, but this last year, it had taken a toll on her so much that it drove her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with a borderline personality and started therapy immediately. It had been 8 months since her attempt, and despite all her hardships, she had been accepted into the college of her choice.

Clarke took her face in her hands and wiped the tears away from her cheeks.

“Just be here with me. Don’t think of the past. You’ve been moving on. You’ve been doing so good, even if you can’t feel it some days.”

Lexa smiled and pulled Clarke in close to her, nuzzling into her neck.

“I love you.” She whispered into the soft skin of her neck, fingers clutching at her back.

“I love you.” Clarke said back, a hand around the back of Lexa’s neck, pulling her closer against her.

Lexa pulled away from Clarke and stared her in the eyes, then a smile spread across her mouth.

“What?” Clarke asked.

Lexa didn’t say anything, just stared taking off her tank top and her shorts. Once in her bra and underwear she pulled Clarke up to stand.

“You coming?” She asked, making her way to the water.

“Lex that water is freezing.”

“So? Come on. I’ll keep you warm.” She said, teasingly.

Clarke cocked an eyebrow and laughed. “Fine.” She stripped out of her clothes and took Lexa’s outstretched hand, clutching it as they moved closer to the water.

“Holy shit!” Clarke yelled as her feet touched it.

“Let’s run in.” Lexa said, pulling Clarke who kicked off running with her.

Lexa pulled them both into the water and Lexa laughed at Clarke’s angry face as she rose from the water.

“Are you kidding me?!” Clarke said, splashing Lexa with as much force as she could.

Lexa laughed and floated away from her, enjoying being free in the water with no one else around. Clarke’s teeth chattered and Lexa laughed even harder.

“Oh come on it’s not even that cold.”

“It’s fr-reezing.” Clarke said.

Lexa swam up to her and opened up her arms to the blonde, who wrapped her legs around Lexa and threw her arms around her neck, pressing as close as she could for warmth.

“Ah, that’s better. You’re so warm.”

Lexa smiled and wrapped her arms tighter around Clarke, lightly running a hand up and down her back.

“You’re making me shiver again.” Clarke said. It wasn't from the cold.

“Sorry.” Lexa said, stilling her hand.

Lexa sank them a little deeper in the water, and Clarke started to adjust more to the temperature. Still, she didn’t unwrap herself from Lexa, content to feel her skin against hers.

She pressed a soft kiss to Lexa’s neck, over her pulse point, and let her lips rest there for a moment, just tracing the skin of her neck, feeling its softness.

“You wanna go inside? I’m starting to get a little cold now.” Lexa said. She had felt Clarke’s lips against her neck and needed to distance herself from her. Clarke was wrapped around her body and she felt almost out of control, and she didn’t want to lose any more of it.

“I can keep you warm.” Clarke said mockingly. 

Lexa gave her a pointed look and Clarke removed herself from around her. “Ok. Let’s go.”

They grabbed their clothes and went back into the beach house, greeted by drunk Raven.

“You guys went swimming? And didn’t tell me?!” She asked, offended.

“Raven, it literally just got dark. How are you already drunk?” Clarke asked, laughing.

“We just graduated. How are you already NOT drunk?” She replied.

Clarke and Lexa both laughed at her and Lexa started going up the stairs.

“We’re gonna change. We’ll be back down soon, get everyone together so we can play a game or something.”

“Ooookay. Yes! You guys gotta get on my level.” Raven said, holding her cup up.

Clarke laughed again and headed up to follow Lexa to their room. Raven and Octavia were sharing one, Jasper and Monty shared another, and Bellamy had the master all to himself, since it was him and Octavia’s parents’ beach house. They had flipped for the master suite, and unfortunately Octavia had lost.

Clarke headed to their room’s bathroom and saw Lexa wrapped in a towel.

 “You’ll be quick? I’m still cold and that water made me feel gross.”

“I kind of just wanna stay in there forever, I feel like I’m never gonna warm up. But yes, I will try to be quick.” Lexa said.

“That’s not fair. Let me get in with you.”

Lexa blushed and Clarke pretended not to notice. “I’ve seen your boobs before Lex.”

“I know. Just not - you know, the rest of me.”

“You’ll be seeing me too.”

Lexa opened her mouth again but Clarke spoke first.

“We both want a shower. We’re both cold. And we both have to be downstairs for spin the bottle or whatever is happening in maximum 30 minutes.”

Lexa let out a sigh and then conceded.

“Fine.”

What Lexa didn’t expect was for Clarke to strip naked in front of her right at that moment. Her eyes raked over every inch of skin that came into view and she couldn’t help letting her eyes wander to the small patch of neat blonde hair between her legs.

“See? Got it out of the way.” Clarke said.

“I - Uhm.” Lexa was at a loss for words. “I’ll wait.” She finally choked out.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked.

“I’ve warmed up a bit, I’ll wait.” Clarke looked at her questioningly. She stepped past Lexa, lightly brushing her naked body against the towel as she slipped into the shower. 

“Your loss Lex.” She said, shutting the door.

“Fuck.” Lexa breathed as she walked back out into the room, her hands nearly shaking at the thought of Clarke naked in front of her.

She knew she wouldn’t have been able to handle a shower when all she wanted to do was press her up against the wall and show her how much she’s wanted her. How much she’s craved her since they were 13 years old.

They had been best friends for 5 years, and Clarke had been in a relationship since they were 15. She had dated Finn for 3 years and they had just broken up before graduation, since he was going off to a different college. Lexa had lusted and loved her through everything, and even though she had been with other people, her heart never strayed from Clarke.

Clarke was an excessively flirty person, so Lexa knew she didn’t have a chance. She knew her teasing was just part of her personality. She knew she was closer with Clarke than anyone else, which prompted some extra-special intimate hand-holds and caresses, but they were just touches a best friend would do. That’s what Lexa convinced herself every day for 5 years.

Clarke finally stepped out of the shower wrapped in a towel and signalled for Lexa to go in.

“You’re up, kept it running for you.”

“Thanks.” Lexa said, expressionless. She walked into the shower and put her hand between her legs, rubbing out her frustration on the hood of her clit until she came with a soft moan, before washing her hair with Clarke’s wild berry shampoo.

Clarke looked back at Lexa as she walked into the shower and looked at her quizzically. She knew Lexa was gay, she just didn’t think Lexa had ever had any attraction towards her. But the way that she got flustered when she saw Clarke naked…there was no denying that she felt something. And judging by the sounds coming from the shower, she wasn’t wrong.

x

When Lexa got downstairs Clarke was already blow-dried and gorgeous, in the 20 minutes since Lexa had gotten out of the shower. She was sitting at the table next to Bellamy, who’s eyes never faltered from her chest in a white tank top.

Lexa sat down quietly, hair still wet, wearing a loose crewneck sweater that was slightly too long for her arms. She held the ends of the sleeves in the palms of her hands, clutching them hard at the sight of Bellamy so close to Clarke. She knew how to deal with these feelings. She had had to watch Finn and Clarke kiss and hear stories about her sex life. Finn had already moved across the country for school and Lexa was glad she didn’t have to see him anymore. It didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“What are we playing?” Lexa asked.

“A game by the name of BATTLESHOTS.” Jasper said, enthusiastically.

“We are not playing battleshots.” Octavia said, holding a hand up to Jasper.

“Never have I ever?” Raven suggested.

“Seriously?” Monty said. “Someone always gets upset or something.” 

“Why? We pretty much know everything about each other anyway.” Bellamy said.

“Fine. Let’s do it. I’ll start.” Clarke said. “Never have I ever done anal.”

Everyone immediately started laughing.

“Starting off strong Griffin.” Jasper said, laughing.

Monty giggled shyly but took a drink, and everyone cheered.

“Oh come on. I’m gay. That was a personal attack.” He said.

“Ok, Monty, you go.” Raven said.

“Never have I ever gone down on a girl.”

 Bellamy laughed and took a drink, and so did Jasper. Lexa drank and Clarke shot her a wink. Raven then took a drink of hers.

“Raven?! What the fuck?” Octavia asked.

“What?”

“You’ve gone down a girl?”

“What? No. I just wanted to drink.”

Everyone laughed and Octavia hit her shoulder.

“You’re so dumb. Someone cut her off.” Octavia said.

Lexa pulled the cup from Raven’s hand and downed it in one gulp.

Octavia stared at her questioningly.

“What? I’ve eaten lots of pussy.”

Bellamy howled and Jasper gave her a high five. Clarke shook her head and chuckled. Lexa wasn’t usually this open or crass, but she was loving seeing her let loose. It made her happy to see Lexa smile.

“Alright alright. My turn.” Octavia said.

“Never have I ever smoked a joint.”

Everyone drank except her. She smirked devilishly. She was all about being fit and despite the occasional drinking at a party, she never took any other drugs.

They continued for a bit, but Lexa got bored and went into the kitchen to refill her drink. Clarke followed her in. 

“Hey. You good?” She asked.

“Yeah, just a little buzzed. Not really though. You?” Lexa said.

“Same.” Clarke answered. “Look what I got.” She revealed a joint in the palm of her hand.

“You stole from the stash?”

“No, no. This is from my private selection. Just for me and you.”

Lexa laughed.

“When do you suppose we are going to smoke that?”

“Right now. Rooftop.”

Lexa sighed. “Ok. Let’s go. But I’m done after, I can’t go back to drinking.”

“We’ll sleep right after, it’ll be great.”

They went back to the kitchen and were yelled at excessively when they said they were going to bed.

“LOSERS!” Raven yelled as they made their way up the stairs.

On the roof Clarke lit the joint and took a few puffs, passing it to Lexa. She untucked the sleeve of her shirt and grabbed the joint from Clarke, her fingers brushing against hers lightly. She took a few hits and passed it back. They stayed silent, passing it back in forth, feeling the cool breeze above the trees.

“How do you feel?” Clarke asked.

“Good. Relaxed.”

“I didn’t mean from the joint. Just how do you feel?”

“Why? We talked before.”

“I know. I just thought you looked a little upset after your shower. You looked sad at the table.”

“I’m okay.” Lexa said. She reached for a cigarette out of her pack and handed one to Clarke after the joint was done.

Lexa lit hers and took a long drag.

“I know you, Lex. What’s bothering you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, ok?”

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said. She slowly moved closer to her on the lawn chair they were seated on, pressing her thigh against hers. She teasingly shoved at her to try and coax a smile, but Lexa just smiled thinly and kept smoking.

Lexa finished her cigarette and stubbed it out in a plant.

“I’ll meet you downstairs. I’m gonna get ready for bed.” She said, and left Clarke on the roof to finish her cigarette alone.

Once downstairs in their bathroom, Lexa locked the door and sighed deeply. Her head was spinning and it wasn’t from smoking. Being around Clarke was dizzying. She thought it had been bad when Clarke had a boyfriend. But now? She wanted her more than ever and she had to sleep in the same bed next to her. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, and settled into bed. Clarke wasn’t back yet.

Clarke sat wondering why she couldn’t help her. She wanted to do more than help her. She wanted to kiss her and make it better. She didn’t want to be her friend. She wanted to be her everything. She spent over an hour on the rooftop, crying into her hands, knowing that everything was going to change. Knowing that loving like this was going to change her whole world.

Lexa let her eyes rest a little and ended up drifting off, not hearing Clarke come in.

“Lex.” She called softly.

When she didn’t answer, Clarke washed up for bed and scooted in next to her, careful not to wake her. Unfortunately, Lexa was a light sleeper.

“Where were you?”

“I was just sitting outside. It was nice. You should’ve stayed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize Lex. Whatever’s bothering you, it’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, I don’t. But I believe in you.” She said.

“Thank you.” Lexa replied, turning back to her side of the bed.

“Lex?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you right?”

“Yes Clarke. I know.” Lexa said, and she drifted off to sleep, knowing that Clarke loved her, and knowing that it wasn’t in the way she wanted her to.

x

The next morning Clarke awoke to an empty bed. She knew Lexa liked to get up early sometimes and walk on the beach or read her book somewhere quiet. So she wasn’t surprised. She walked downstairs to see Octavia and Bellamy making breakfast together, bickering about stupid things like whether or not to put milk in their scrambled eggs.

“Where’s Raven?” Clarke asked, to Monty and Jasper sipping their coffee at the table.

“Still passed out. And likely will remain so until the late afternoon.” Jasper said.

“Ah. Well that’s to be expected.” Clarke said. “I’m gonna go find Lexa for breakfast. Be right back.”

Clarke headed down the beach to where she knew Lexa liked to go and saw her curled up in the sand. She approached her slowly, trying to decipher the reason for her posture.

“Lex?”

Lexa looked up and immediately wiped at her eyes.

“You gotta tell me what’s wrong babe.” Clarke said, getting on her knees in the sand beside her.

“It’s just me. I’m just sensitive today. I’m alright.” Lexa said.

“Come on. Come with me.” Clarke said, pulling her up to stand and grabbing her hand.

 “Let’s walk a bit. We don’t have to talk. Just let me walk with you.”

Lexa nodded and loosened her hand’s grip, but Clarke kept hers firm.

“You aren’t alone.” She said. Lexa smiled through her tears and Clarke held her as they walked, not trying to initiate conversation. They walked a little further and then Lexa pulled her back around, heading back towards the house. When they reached the porch Lexa let go of her hand and said a soft “thank you” with a cracked voice, heading up to their room to try and get rid of any traces of her crying.

x

That night, they decided to have a bonfire. Everyone had a drink and was telling stupid stories, reminiscing on the time Monty and Jasper got so drunk they fell asleep in Clarke’s bathtub and awoke to a very startled Abby Griffin.

Lexa was feeling drained. She hated being a downer, but she knew her friends understood mostly when she was feeling out of it. She headed upstairs to her room. As soon as she closed the door it opened again and Clarke was standing there.

“Gonna get ready for bed?” She asked Lexa.

“Yeah, I’m just going to shower.”

“Ok.” Clarke said, plopping down on the bed.

Lexa walked into the bathroom and turned the shower. She was unable to get a break from Clarke. She always wanted to be around her and Lexa got that, because she did too. But she was driving her a little crazy. Lexa was just feeling a bit off. She knew it would pass and that’s why she didn’t want to talk about it. She just knew being around Clarke heightened her emotions and she didn’t want to feel any more right now.

She stepped into the warm stream and let it hit her back, practically scalding her skin. She needed a distraction from the hurt she felt in her head. It was seemingly without reason. Sometimes it just popped up and made her feel like she was dying when everything was fine. Clarke was her only escape sometimes. She just wanted to lay in her arms. Kiss her. Touch her. She let her mind drift into her fantasy for a moment and then snapped out of it. Then she heard the door of the bathroom open.

“Lexa?”

“What’s wrong?” Lexa asked.

She heard shuffling and then the shower door opened. Clarke was standing naked right in front of her. Lexa moved to cover herself and Clarke stepped closer.

“What are you doing?”

“I didn’t want to wait.”

Lexa moved the furthest she could away from Clarke, pressed back into the corner of the shower.

“Don’t be afraid of me.” Clarke said.

“I am.”

“I know.” Clarke said. “Why?”

“Please Clarke, I can’t take this right now.”

Clarke moved closer to her and Lexa closed her eyes, and then she felt a soft hand cupping her cheek.

“Look at me.” Clarke said.

Lexa opened her eyes, brimming with tears, and stared at the girl in front of her. 

“I’m not stable right now.”

“You are. Don’t do this to yourself Lex. You’re thinking yourself into a bad place.”

“How do you know what I feel?”

“I don’t. But I see you. And I know you’re ok. I know your head beats you up sometimes about things that aren’t even real.”

“I can’t tell sometimes.” Lexa said.

“I know. But you don’t have to pull back from me. You don’t have to retreat and make yourself feel worse. Just be close to me.” Clarke said, moving a bit closer, rubbing her thumb against Lexa’s cheek.

“It’s really hard to be sometimes.” Lexa admitted, while she leans her cheek into Clarke’s touch.

“Why?”

“Don’t you know?” Lexa said. “After all this time.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Why are you torturing me?” Lexa asked.

“This isn’t what you think Lex.” Clarke said, pulling her hand down to grab one of Lexa’s that was still covering her chest. 

Lexa is on the verge of sobbing, tears streaming down her cheeks. Clarke isn’t trying to hurt her, she just needs to make sure. She needs to hear it and make sure because she’s felt it too. Somewhere along the years she thinks she forgot it, numbed it. And now she knows. She knows her touches with Lexa are more special with anyone. She knows she makes her heart race. That she worries about her more than anyone. That she wants to be close, and not just best friend close, she wants all of Lexa. The messy Lexa, sad Lexa, happy Lexa, every version of Lexa there is or could be.

“I love you.” Lexa choked out, closing her eyes and letting out a sob.

She never sees it coming when Clarke touches her lips against hers. Clarke’s eyes are welling up and she’s broken by this girl, and she’s broken by this decision because they’re probably going to hurt each other somehow. But it doesn’t matter. Lexa looks up at her and back at her lips and pulls the back of Clarke’s neck to bring their lips back together, kissing her deeply right away.

Lexa lets her other hand fall from where it was covering her crotch and reaches to wrap her arms around Clarke’s neck. Clarke grabs her face in her hands and continues kissing her deeply, pushing her tongue into her mouth and swallowing Lexa’s moans as they roll onto her tongue.

“Is —Is this ok?” Lexa asked breathlessly, her hands moving down to Clarke’s waist.

“Yes. Yes.” Clarke said, pulling Lexa flush against her body, feeling her chest press against her. She grabs at Lexa’s sides, running her hands along the toned flesh, settling one of her hands on her lower back as she grips her skin with the other.

 “Stop. Stop.” Lexa said, pulling back from Clarke with a hand against her chest, right on top of her breasts. “This is crazy.”

“I know.” Clarke said, smiling.

“No. I’m serious. I want this, I want this so much…” Lexa breathed out. “But we can’t.”

She moved to get out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself quickly. Clarke shut the water off and grabbed a towel herself, stepping into their room.

“Lex.” Clarke breathed, walking up to the girl who had her back to her.

“Clarke if I look at you right now…I’ll kiss you. And I don’t want to stop.”

“So don’t.” Clarke said. “Why are you so scared? You’re acting like you don’t want me even if you say you do.”

“Because that’s what I’ve been doing for years.” Lexa said. “Pretending I don’t want you.”

Clarke sighed and paced around the room a little. Lexa stood in silence, her back still towards Clarke.

She heard sniffles coming from Lexa and she hated this. She hated this so much but she didn’t know how to make it stop.

 “Lexa. I want you.”

“Do you even like girls Clarke?” Lexa mumbled, sniffling.

“I like you.”

Lexa laughed. 

“I don’t just like you.” Clarke said, moving closer to her. Lexa flinched when Clarke wrapped an arm around her waist.

She moved the wet hair from Lexa’s neck and moved in closer to her ear.

“I want to take care of you. I want to make sure you never feel alone again.” She whispered in her ear.

“I want to love you.” Clarke said.

“And I want to make love to you.” Lexa shivered. “I don’t care that you’re a girl. It doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been blind Lex.”

“You think I touch anyone the way I touch you?” Clarke asked, squeezing her waist.

“You think I want anyone like I want you?” She runs a hand up Lexa’s arm stroking her soft skin.

Lexa slowly turned around, trembling. Clarke was better at hiding her nerves, but she was definitely nervous. 

Lexa grabbed both sides of her face and pulled her back in, kissing her like they never stopped. Clarke’s towel immediately fell to the floor and Lexa pushed her back on to the bed, pressing kisses to her neck, sucking a bruise into it as hard as she could.

Lexa untucked her towel and threw it aside, moving back to straddle Clarke, pressing kisses down her chest, grabbing at her full breasts, rolling her nipples between her fingers, aching to hear her moans.

“Are you sure?” Lexa asked. “We can stop.”

“I don’t want to stop. Are you sure?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes.” Lexa said, running her hands across Clarke’s skin, pressing a wet kiss to the middle of her chest before taking a nipple into her mouth, sucking on its peak.

Clarke moaned and Lexa wondered how she’d get through this without passing out.

“Lexa.” Clarke moaned when Lexa got lost in the feeling of Clarke’s chest.

“I need you.” She begged.

“Fuck, I’ve dreamt about you saying that.” 

“Oh yeah?” Clarke smirked. “What else have you dreamt about?”

“Fuck.” Lexa moaned just from her voice. “Touching you. Tasting you.” Lexa trailed kisses down her stomach, sucking a bruise right under her navel.

“Did you think about fucking me after you saw me naked? Did you come thinking about me?”

Lexa stilled and looked up at her.

 “You heard me?”

“I heard you.” 

“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Lexa said.

Clarke pulled Lexa up to her lips and licked into her mouth. “I liked it. I liked knowing you were thinking about me.” She whispered into her ear.

“I’m yours.” She continued. “Take me.”

Lexa’s eyes rolled back in her head and she made her way back down Clarke’s body, sucking her thighs, kissing the small patch of blonde curls above her mound. Clarke lifted her hips up, seeking friction, anything to help satisfy the urge building in her core.

 Lexa pressed a kiss to her clit and then sucked it into her mouth right away, not giving Clarke a chance to prepare for how good it was going to feel to have such a skilled mouth on her. She moved her tongue down to Clarke’s entrance and moaned into her pussy, savouring her taste and marvelling at how wet she was.

“Fuck.” Lexa moaned. “You’re so fucking wet.”

She started rubbing Clarke’s clit with two fingers, watching the girl arch up before her. She re-attached her mouth to her clit and entered her with a finger, loving the way she gripped her inside. She added another and picked up the pace, sucking her clit as she fucked her with her fingers.

“Lex. Lex. I can’t.” Clarke moaned. “I’m going to come.”

Lexa didn’t relent, she picked up the pace and sucked Clarke’s clit, pressing it with her tongue as Clarke clenched around her fingers, arching up into Lexa’s mouth, hands gripping at her head to keep her close to her centre. 

“Oh my GOD.” Clarke moaned as she kept coming, Lexa working her down from her orgasm slowly.

“Get up here.” Clarke begged. 

Lexa crawled her way back up her body and Clarke pulled her in for a bruising kiss, sucking Lexa’s lips purple as she licked herself off of her. Lexa moaned the entire time, her centre rocking on Clarke’s thigh as she found some relief in the friction.

Clarke moved a hand down Lexa’s chest, down her stomach, right to the top of her mound.

“Show me how to touch you.” Clarke asked.

“You don’t have to touch me Clarke.”

Clarke flipped her over and started kissing her, palming her chest, running her hands down from her breasts to her hipbones.

“Fine. I’ll figure it out for myself.” She said. 

She slowly trailed a finger through Lexa’s folds, entranced by her.

“You’re so beautiful.” She said, as she pushed two fingers inside her straight away.

“Fuck.” Lexa moaned, bucking her hips up, chasing Clarke, wanting her to go deeper.

Clarke increased her pace and Lexa spread herself open, taking more of Clarke inside her. Clarke started rubbing at her clit with a slick thumb, and continued pumping inside her, loving the way she could see Lexa’s stomach clench, and feel her try to take her deeper inside.

Lexa moaned loudly, grabbing Clarke’s hand and urging her to curl her fingers a little higher and then she dropped her hands at her sides, fisting the sheets in her hands.

 “Oh God. Right fucking there. Right there. Don’t stop.” She begged, hips meeting Clarke’s strokes.

Clarke added a third finger and continued her pace, speeding up when she felt Lexa clenching her muscles repeatedly.

 “Clarke.” Lexa nearly screamed as she came on her fingers, her body twitching and trembling as Clarke kept pumping her fingers. Lexa’s body shuffled up the bed forcing Clarke to pull out she was so sensitive.

“Fuck. Fuck.” Lexa repeated, her head dizzy with the feeling. Clarke moved to lay next to her and softly stroked her skin.

“I can’t believe this is real.” Lexa said, after her breathing returned to normal.

“Me either.” Clarke admitted.

“I know I am the way I am…” Lexa started. “But you don’t have to do this with me. You don’t have to be with me.”

“I want to be.”

“I’ll push you away, I could hurt you.”

“Lex.” She moved to brush some of Lexa’s hair behind her ear.

“I love you. I love everything about you. And I know it gets hard for you. I understand. And I’m with you. I’ve been your friend through all of this. I’m still your best friend, even if we’re together.”

“You’re sure that’s what you want?’

“I’m sure.” She said, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s lips.

“We can take it slow.” Lexa said, smiling.

“A little late for that, don’t you think? You did just give me the best orgasm of all time.” 

“Don’t flatter me, Clarke.”

Clarke smirked and rolled on top of her, kissing her lips and then her neck.

“So, my beautiful girlfriend. Wanna go for round two?” Clarke asked.

“Thought you’d never ask.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa meet again after 5 years.

Lexa stirred her straw in her drink, staring absentmindedly as it swirled her whiskey. Why had she come back here? She always felt like home was this inescapable hell; that somehow it always brought her down to be back. She had lived abroad for 5 years, and life wasn’t much better, but she resolved that it wasn’t as bad as it was here. She had been at her worst here.

The summer she graduated high school, Clarke had confessed her love for Lexa. After a beautiful couple of months together, Lexa did what she always does. She got doubtful. She got scared. And she pushed Clarke away.

“You don’t love me. Stop fucking saying you do when you don’t. I’m not good, Clarke.”

“Lex, I love you. Please don’t do this! Your head is tricking you. I love you, it’s real, I promise.”

Clarke grabbed her face in her hands and saw Lexa’s vacant eyes, even with tear-stained cheeks. Lexa mustered all her strength, straightened her jaw, and with a painless expression, looked straight into Clarke’s eyes. 

“I don’t love you.”

She knew it was the biggest lie she’d ever told. She knew it was the worst thing she could do, that she wouldn’t be able to survive it.

So she thought.

She picked up her things and left Clarke in tears, not bothering to look back. The next day she boarded a flight to London, and that was the end of it. She cried for months. She never slept through the night without waking up crying. She knew she had fucked up. But she couldn’t believe Clarke really loved her, she couldn’t keep putting the weight of her illness in Clarke’s life. And she couldn’t hurt her anymore.

But she already had, in the worst way you can hurt someone, by leaving them alone.

x

“Anyone sitting here?” A soft voice called from behind her. Lexa just stared straight on, taking a big gulp of her drink.

“Nope.” She set her drink down with a thud and gripped the glass with both hands.

“So what do you think the chances are?”

Lexa still hadn’t turned to the stranger, attempting to tune her out.

“Excuse me, what?” She said, looking up to face her.

Her face fell the second she saw the blonde sitting next to her, practically unchanged. She didn’t utter a word as she stared into the blue eyes looking back at her. 

She knew she felt her eyes welling with tears and prayed that Clarke didn’t notice. She didn’t know how to look away, not when the girl she loved for years was finally in front of her again.

“Cat got your tongue?” Clarke said.

“What are you doing here?” Lexa managed to choke out.

“I come here sometimes. What are you doing here? Last I heard you were somewhere in Europe.”

“I was.”

“What brought you back?”

“Missed it.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. You always hated it here.”

“You’re right.”

Lexa finished off her drink and signalled the bartender for another. She got an extra one for Clarke.

“Thanks.”

“No need to thank me.”

They both sat in silence for a moment, taking sips of their drinks. Lexa’s heart continued to pound in her chest, although to Clarke she assumed she looked irritated.

“You look tired.”

“I came here straight from the airport.”

“That’s not the tired I mean, Lexa.”

Lexa’s hand twitched at the utterance of her name. She scanned Clarke’s face, lingering on her beauty mark above her lip, tracing her face with her eyes, wishing she could touch her. Knowing she lost the right to a long time ago.

“Yeah well, life’s not easy.”

 “No, it isn’t.”

Lexa downed her drink again and signalled for another, but Clarke caught her hand, raising her own instead. The second she touched her, Lexa froze in place, and Clarke must’ve realized, because she dropped her hand instantly. 

“I got this one.” 

Clarke reached into her purse and pulled out a 20, and set it on the bar. That’s when Lexa noticed her ring.

“You’re engaged.”

“I am.”

“A little young, don’t you think?”

Clarke scoffed. “Not when you know what you want.”

“What if what you want changes?” Lexa asked.

“It won’t.”

Lexa took the words like a bullet. She had no right to feel bad after what she did. She had no right to judge Clarke for moving on and living her life.

“You with anyone?”

“No.”

  “Have you been?”  

“Not since you.”

Clarke’s face dropped in disbelief.

“Seriously? No one?”

“Clarke.”

“I’m asking.”

“No. No one.”

“Can I ask why not?”

“Why settle for less?”

“Less than what?” 

“You.”

Clarke stared at her still, and this time she finished her drink in one gulp.

“You don’t get to come back and say shit like that. You don’t get to fucking judge me for being engaged when you’re the one who left me! Do you even know how long it took me to get over you?”

“Long enough, judging by the rock on your finger.”

“Fuck you Lex. You always thought I didn’t want you or didn’t love you. You just couldn’t see it because you were too blinded by your own shit.”

Lexa was taken aback.

“You know what’s wrong with me.”

“Yeah, I know. I know you have a personality disorder, but I was begging you to stay and you left me. That wasn’t the disorder. That was you.”

“I couldn’t stay in your life and keep hurting you.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make!” 

Heads turned to look at Clarke, who was now red-faced. Her hands were grasped into fists. She looked like she was about to lose it.

Lexa’s expression remained neutral, she was restraining herself. She gritted her jaw and turned slowly to face Clarke.

“And what if I had stayed? How long would it had taken for you to see how needy I am? How much I rely on you? How much you control me and you don’t even know it?”

Clarke’s mouth fell open slightly. Lexa was speaking in the present tense, and that didn’t go unnoticed to Clarke.

“I left because you’re too good for me. And you deserved someone who was gonna bring out your best self. You deserved the kind of love that made you proud and happy and light. Not the kind that drags you down, the kind that punishes you. The kind that twists your words on you to fit the fucked-up narrative inside their head.”

“I left because I loved you.” She continued.

“You said you didn’t.”

“I know.”

“You broke my heart.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not enough.”

“I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke grabbed her hand and Lexa followed as she dragged her out of the bar, down the sidewalk.

“Where are we going?”

She allowed Clarke to pull her into the alley and felt herself being pressed against the wall. Clarke’s hands were on either side of her face, and Lexa’s skin burned, like it hadn’t burned in 5 years.

“Clarke…”

“Shut up. Just…”

Clarke’s forehead was pressed against hers, and she could smell her warm breath, feel it ghost against her lips. She stared into Lexa’s eyes, unwavering, piercing her with their stare. She could feel Lexa’s hands digging into her waist, gripping so tight she was sure they’d leave marks.

She reached for the back of her neck and pulled her in roughly, her tongue immediately searching for Lexa’s. She moaned the second she tasted her, and Lexa moaned right back, her hands roaming Clarke’s back, smoothing down over her ass, trying desperately to pull her closer. Clarke broke apart from Lexa to look her in the eyes, then changed the angle and started to suck on her bottom lip, biting it hard before she moved down to kiss Lexa’s neck.

Lexa pulled her back up to keep kissing her lips, her hands tangled in messy blonde curls. She started to push at Clarke’s shoulders, wanting to stop the kiss, needing to stop it because she wanted to do much more than kiss.

“Stop. Stop.” Lexa said.

Clarke pulled back and stared at her.

“I have to go.” Lexa said, running down the alley towards the street.

“Lexa!” Clarke called after her.

Lexa turned back, her fingers on her lips, trying to memorize the feel of her. She realized there’s one thing she didn’t do the last time she left her.

She walked back up to Clarke and cupped her face with both hands, staring into her eyes. Clarke stood there, and held onto Lexa’s forearms, waiting patiently with glazed eyes. She leaned in slowly and tried to tell her without words that she was sorry, kissing her lips softly. She pulled back after a few moments of the slow dance of their mouths against each other, Clarke’s eyes still closed. 

“I should’ve told you five years ago. I never should’ve let you think I didn’t love you when I did, with everything I had.”

Clarke winced at the use of the past tense, her grip tightening on Lexa’s arms.

“This time when I let you go, I’m going to do it right.”

Clarke’s grip got even tighter.

“Please, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t leave me again.” Clarke’s voice choked out.

“You’re with someone Clarke.”

“I know. I know. And I know it’s wrong for me to have kissed you but…I missed you Lex. I needed to. All you left me with was those words, I never got to say goodbye properly.”

“And what’s a proper goodbye for you?”

“Touch me.” She breathed shakily.

 “Clarke…we can’t.”

“Lexa, please. One last time.” She breathed, one hand moving over Lexa’s chest, the other bringing Lexa's hand to rest between her legs. Lexa felt the dampness beneath the material and swallowed thickly. She felt Clarke pop the button and then her own hand slipping down her stomach, palm down, crawling across smooth skin she hadn't touched in years.

Lexa's insides turned and she felt nauseous, her hand unmoving, unable to dip beneath the band of Clarke's underwear.

“This feels wrong.”

“Does it?”

Lexa’s resolve was cracking.

“Yes.” She choked. She pulled her hand from Clarke's pants and lowered her head. She pressed a kiss to Clarke's stomach, and then slowly zipped up her pants and buttoned them.

“When I’m with you like that again…and I say when, Clarke, not if. I don’t want it to be while you’re with someone else. I want you to be mine.”

“Lexa —“ Clarke started, but Lexa interrupted her.

“I just got back here. I missed you like crazy, believe me. And I know you missed me and you’re feeling really intense feelings about seeing me again, because I’m feeling them too. But we can’t act on them more than we already have tonight. This isn’t the kind of person I want to help you be right now.”

Lexa continued. “I want nothing more than to take you home and wake up to you in the morning. But I messed up. And you can’t forgive me in one night. I know you still haven’t. I want to earn it. And I need to get better to be the best I can for you.”

“You don’t have to decide anything, Clarke. Keep living your life. I’ll be here…I’m staying this time. I have to confront my shit. I couldn’t escape it halfway across the world. It always caught up to me.”

Clarke’s grip slackened and she nodded in defeat.

“Tell me you’ll stay again.” Clarke begged.

“I’m staying.”

“Promise me.”

 “I promise.”

“Will I see you?”

“Maybe not for awhile.”

“And when I do?”

“We were friends before, Clarke.”

“That’s what you want?”

“That’s what I want.” She choked out, tears burning her eyes.

“Go get better Lex.” Clarke said, squeezing her hand.

And with that, Clarke placed a final lingering kiss to her lips and walked away, leaving Lexa standing in the darkened street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clexa is endgame, this isn't the last chapter, do not worry.


End file.
